Natural Orifice Trials Begin, Surgeons Discover Alternative to Cesarean

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Fifty points for @midwifeamy on Twitter, who noticed that few tweaks would be needed to turn the article, “Natural Orifice Trials Begin, A Potential ‘Game Changer’ for Hospitals” into a spoof ready for The Onion.

NOTES, or Natural Orifice Translumenal Endoscopic Surgery, is a surgical innovation based on the idea that many procedures could be performed with smaller incisions than ever before, reducing rates of infection, pain and duration of hospital stay than abdominal surgery. In contrast, the goal of modern maternity care is to OPEN MORE ABDOMENS.

The article lists some of the natural orifice surgeries performed.

  • Removal of the appendix through the vagina in women and through the mouth in men, performed at UCSD.
  • Sleeve gastrectomy, a type of bypass surgery for weight loss, through the vagina, done at UCSD.
  • Repair of achalasia, a disorder marked by difficulty in swallowing, through the mouth, performed at UCSD.
  • Removal of the kidney through the vagina, performed at Johns Hopkins Medical Center.
  • Removal of a portion of the colon through the vagina, performed at Hospital Clínic, University of Barcelona, Spain, and a colonic resection at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston.
  • Removal of the spleen through the vagina, performed at Hospital de la Santa Creu I Sant Pau Barcelona, Spain.
  • Repair of hernia through the vagina at UCSD.
  • Staging of pancreatic cancer to see if tumor has spread elsewhere in the abdomen, performed at Ohio State University Medical Center.
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    Let’s write our own Onion-esque article. Leave your paragraph in the comments. Here’s a start:

     

    A group of residents at Kendall Regional Medical Center in Miami, Florida, contacted Natural Orifice Surgery Consortium for Assessment and Research after witnessing an infant emerge from the vagina of a pregnant woman who was experiencing a cramping sensation on the way to the operating room for her scheduled cesarean. Said one resident, “We believe we could be on the cutting edge of a new form of natural orifice procedures that do not involve abdominal surgery.”

     

    Your turn.